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The Future…?

Everyone is just trying to do their own thing. Create their own happiness… do things and find things that make them happy… what do I find happiness in…? I wish I could answer that question in terms of my academics and my career… as I see people around me, struggling, I say to myself, “that’s just what life is… isn’t it?” The moments of our pain and struggle define who we are…? But pain is lifelong… we have to endure pain until we die. So everyone is going through some kind of pain and struggle… but at the same time… everyone is trying to cover it up as if they aren’t in pain. Does that make people feel better? Life was much simpler when I was a kid. I am still am, very much a kid. An immature, naive person who doesn’t know about paying my own taxes, maintaining a job for more than a month, or paying for my own car insurance. As I continue on my path in life, I always come across crossroads. The choice I have to make is not between good or evil or right or wrong; the roads that I look upon when considering my future are numerous, unending roads that make me more confused as I continue to think. Relationships, jobs, career choice, passions, hobbies, and religion. These are the things that I struggle with every day, if not, every week. I’m sure mostly everyone worries about these things too. I know this, yet, I feel like no one understands me and no one is in the same boat as I’m in. The continuous journey of life and the destination of where life gets you is a exciting mission to the unknown. However, the journey that we are called to enjoy brings many pains. Pain is good… right? Pain makes you grow as a person, whether it’s mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Everyone is just trying to acquire and maintain true happiness. Since people are so different based on their genetics AND the environment they grew up in, there are many different meanings to happiness. Some people’s happiness causes other’s misfortunes. This paradoxical situation is the circumstance of this world. As fortunate I am to not concern myself with the struggles of those less fortunate than me, this world is very imperfect and very far from just. I want to change the world… I want to do something great with my life. I dread living a “normal” life. Until I figure out what to do in order to change the world, I am working on hobbies that may turn into passions. Every day is an exciting new day, filled with opportunities. It’s just how I make of each day that I am granted in this world. Anyways… wish me luck!

Break Ups?

Before I start talking about what it is I’m going to talk about, there is some information you guys need to know. I broke up with my girlfriend and it was my fault.

So, this past Sunday, I had a chance to talk to my girlfriend about our relationship and its past and future. It was a bitter sweet feeling because I had missed her so much but we weren’t dating anymore. Before talking to her, I had asked some people to help me on what I should do. There were mixed responses, some said continue to fight for her and get her back while others said, it’s best if you parted ways. One of the people that I talked to about my relationship was my dad. My dad and I are pretty close but I was surprised to have told him about my girlfriend. One day, he was driving me to school and we started about how this past quarter went for me, in academics. I told him it didn’t go well because I was struggling with a lot of things. As I told him things besides my relationship with my girlfriend, he told me his thoughts on them. As we continued to talk, I found myself talking about my girlfriend. I didn’t expect to talk about her but it just came out. He wanted to know details so I gave him as much as I could without too much. When I finished talking, he didn’t speak for a few minutes. I was anxious as to what he was going to say. I always held my father’s word very highly because of his wisdom. After asking a few questions, he said something very shocking to me. He said he thought I shouldn’t be with her anymore. I was so disappointed, mad, and frustrated. It’s like one of those things where you know someone’s right but you don’t want to believe it because it’s THE last thing you want to hear at the time. I fought with him and yelled in denial of the truth. After going back home, I thought about it until I slept. The next morning, I went to see her, and told her what my dad told me and what I thought about it. Although my dad told me what to do, my mind was filled with doubt once again as soon as my eyes met her eyes. Her face was so familiar but at the same time, there was this eerie unfamiliarity about her. As we talked about our thoughts and feelings of our relationship, we were interrupted by the public because we didn’t choose a very smart place to have a deep talk. The reason we couldn’t talk was because we were with our mutual friends. This caused an awkward atmosphere between the two of us as we hung out. However, we naturally started acting normally as we hung out with our friends. The only difference was that we caught ourselves and said, out loud, if we should be acting like we’re dating again. Obviously, it wasn’t the best thing to do but if felt so good and refreshing. As we were with our friends, I couldn’t help but notice the differences about her. She was more calm, more confident about herself. She was also more independent which threw me off guard but I was proud of her. I felt a certain happiness for her. As the day drew to a close, I dropped her off home and talked with her outside her house. We still didn’t know what to do with our relationship. However, the weird thing was that we decided to meet the following day. I fell asleep and woke up, excited to meet with her. I went to her house and she was sleeping so I gently woke her up, like I used to do. Being at her house brought back so many good memories that brought me to tears. We talked casually and seriously on and off. One moment we would be talking about how we were when we weren’t talking, and then the next moment, we would be getting emotional about the uncertainty of the future of our relationship. It felt good to be in her arms again, to hear her laugh, to see her smile, and to smell her scent. Everything felt so good but the uncertainty of the future kept us fearful. We still didn’t know what to do after a day just to ourselves, like old times. I was so happy to be with her and no one else but her. I still don’t know what to do about us, even as I write this blog. However, I just know that I want her to be happy. I hope we can be happy with each other whatever happens in the outcome. I love you, Clara.

I’m lost

I recently talked with potentially, one of my closest friends that I’ve met in college. I talked with this person about a multitude of things from happiness to spirituality to school. I felt as if this person really cared for me. During our conversation, I began to question a lot of things going on in my life. I realized that I have no community. Ever since I was young, I always moved to different cities and schools. I was always the “new kid” in school. Over the years, I got used to making friends and eating alone. I was the one who always had to introduce myself to other people and say hi. Even though I didn’t enjoy doing it all the time, I believe that quality has helped me to become who I am today.  I have so many friends and I know a lot of people, but most of these people I haven’t talked to in a very long time. If I met them randomly in public, it would be awkward. I don’t and never really had a group of friends that I would hang out with all the time. It’s a blessing and a curse. I’m so confused right now and I don’t know what I am going to do with my girlfriend, school, and life. I’m going through a quarter life crisis!!! haha jk. But on a serious note, what I realized today, on the car ride back home was that everyone has problems. Whether it’s big or small, problems are problems. As humans, we are all trying to be as happy as we can be and find purpose and meaning with our lives. Like how’re we suppose to know if we’re living life right? What am I suppose to do with my life? Sigh. I need to find a community and the right group of people to surround myself with that I can really rely on. I need to be able to respect them. Anyways, I don’t really know what the point of this blog was, but just my thoughts!

P.S. Shoutout to Hidy! 🙂

An unreal peace

It is currently 10:17 on Sunday, March 12th, 2017. I am currently in my roommate, Michael’s room. Today, we woke up around 3pm because we had slept at around 6am the morning of. There are Christmas lights on and music playing in the background. I’m sitting upright and I’m just writing my thoughts down. I’m trying to be as specific as possible because there is a certain happiness that I feel right now and I want it to last. It is a certain peace that I wish could last forever. It’s a very rare kind of peace. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time. Every Sunday, I worried about school the next day. The stress of school for 18 years has been the majority of my feelings every Sunday. However, right now, it feels as if I don’t have any responsibilities because I finished everything that I need to do; whether it be for school or personal things. I imagine myself feeling this way when I am married and am successful so I can be at peace with the things around me. I imagine myself living with my wife in a nice house and our careers are both set and we’re successful. Today was a bit different because I hung out with Michael and Scott, my other roommate. They’re very different and don’t hang out together much. But today, they got along and we had a good time. We went to the jacuzzi at our apartment and just talked. After we washed up after the jacuzzi, we went to get Carls Jr. I was so hungry and hadn’t eaten anything all day. After that, I went to Michael’s room and starting writing. I don’t know why or how I feel so good right now but I wish it could last forever. It feels like I’m high but without the drugs. It’s a natural high. I feel like I’m in a fantasy, everything seems so surreal. I think this feels so good because lately, I’ve been feeling so down. I’ve been thinking about a lot of different things, like my future and my purpose. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been really sad and scared about the uncertainty of my future. Especially because of taking a break with my girlfriend, I’ve been doubting everything I was so confident in. It’s definitely an eye-opening experience but a scary one. I was and probably still am in a time in my life where I am sad but I really appreciate everything right now in my life. I really appreciate the people in my life who care for me even though I may not give them the thanks they deserve. I hope that everyone can experience the peace and happiness that I feel right now. And I hope that this is the first of many of my experiences feeling like this.

Related thought: I really want to go to the beach. The beach at night seems like it’s so relaxing and would take my peace to another level. I want to go on many adventures. I want to travel…

My first blog!

Introduction to my website!

Hey, readers/viewers/visitors/travelers/artists/creators/friends/family! This website/blog is just my thoughts that I write down. As a collegian, I’m at a period of time where I continue to doubt myself and everything in this world and what I thought I knew. It feels like my world is flipped upside down. It feels as if, I’ve embarked on a weird journey as to uncovering what I really want to do with my life and my purpose here on Earth. This new journey, that I’m aimlessly taking, is accompanied by many different people who have various impacts on my life right now. I am trying to see which people to surround myself with and who I can see being my life long friends. As I continue to log my thoughts/feelings, maybe someone reading can benefit from my blog in any way, shape, or form. I don’t really have a purpose of doing this blog thing either.. Just thought I’d try something new. Who knows? Maybe I’ll find some answers to what I’m searching for! Thanks for reading! Good luck!