Friday April 27th, 2018 – 735pm
I am currently sitting on the top of my roof, listening to music (listening to “Me & You” by HONNE) and relaxing as the sun goes down.
These past 2 weeks have been really weird. Week 4 just ended and it feels like such a long time ago since the quarter started. When the quarter started, I was filled with hope and excitement about this coming quarter. However, like most other quarters, that excitement has died down and turned into laziness. You’d think that I would’ve fixed this recurring theme by now but obviously, I haven’t. Every quarter I have goals and plans to do more things than I did last quarter: to be more diligent, to be less lazy, to actually go to all my classes for a whole week, to be a better version of myself than I was last quarter. Because in the end, it’s all about improvement… right…? Interestingly, this quarter has been different from the rest. It’s been more of a wake up call for me and my future that seems so unknown from where I’m at right now. And I feel like this phenomenon is going to keep on happening as I get older and my days in college get fewer. Hell, as my days in life get fewer. Anyways, this quarter has been a time in which I have been growing as an individual but also lessening, for a lack of a better word lol. I have been going to the gym more frequently (not that I went a lot the past quarters haha), I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection, and I’ve been more independent in the things that I do, which was one of my goals! So in terms of those things, I’ve seen my growth. On the flip side, as I thought more about who I am and what I am to do in the future, I’ve been going crazy, literally. Okay, probably not mentally gone or anything but it low key feels like it. I’ve been thinking TOO much about my life. I need to learn how to control my thoughts; not have my thoughts control me (ooh #bars). I’ve been thinking about everything and anything and I’m so lost and confused. I thought that I had grown these past quarters and had SOME kind of sense and grip on life, but this quarter has really shown me otherwise. (Writing my thoughts out now makes me seem like I’m being extra af HAHA). I think about my faith because I grew up in the church and what that means to me now. I’m more of an adult who can think for myself now. So, instead of being drilled that God is real and that my commitment to my faith should be a priority, I doubt my faith, which has been a big part of how I identify myself as. I think about my career and what I’m going to be doing to support my family financially. I think about my endeavors in things I’m interested in, that could possibly turn into passions and jobs even! I think about my identity as an Asian American in America, in which we have basically no representation. As an Asian American who grew up in a non-Asian American community for a part of my childhood, race is something that I can’t seem to look past in myself, and as much it sucks, in other people as well. This is something I think about because I am interested in film and acting, to name a couple. As you can tell by now, I think I think way too much. It has started to hinder me and my everyday life. I overthink about every little thing. Overthinking has made me change. I find myself to be more alone. Not lonely but alone. There’s a big difference. I’m an extrovert but I definitely have become a lot more introverted than I was, even a quarter ago. It’s definitely a new experience and I think it’s growing on me. I like being alone and I’m more okay with being alone. However, I’m also becoming more pessimistic, and I don’t know why. My outlook on life is more sad now. I feel like I am more sad for the majority of my days, and certain events or people can change that so I am happy. But before, I was generally happier and certain events or people would make me sad. One thing I’ve learned is that feelings are so fleeting, YET they are so powerful. I can’t seem to not let my emotions not control me for the most part…
I started writing in a journal soon after 2018 started but I haven’t written in it in a long time. It gets tedious because I want to go into depth like a blog but I don’t really do that because I write after my day is done so I’m tired. Anyways, I guess this was like an update about where I’m at again. Expressing all my thoughts into words is so hard because my thoughts are all jumbled up and I don’t know if I wrote everything I’ve been thinking… oh well. (I still don’t know who I’m talking to when I write because very few people read my blog. BUT I started this for myself so I feel like I’m writing to myself. It’s like when people write a letter to their future self and don’t read it until 10 years later or something. Maybe I should do that…).
I hope I can figure things out…
P.S. I’M GOING CRAZY!!!
P.S.S. haha jk…?