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More Lost

Friday April 27th, 2018 – 735pm

I am currently sitting on the top of my roof, listening to music (listening to “Me & You” by HONNE) and relaxing as the sun goes down.

These past 2 weeks have been really weird. Week 4 just ended and it feels like such a long time ago since the quarter started. When the quarter started, I was filled with hope and excitement about this coming quarter. However, like most other quarters, that excitement has died down and turned into laziness. You’d think that I would’ve fixed this recurring theme by now but obviously, I haven’t. Every quarter I have goals and plans to do more things than I did last quarter: to be more diligent, to be less lazy, to actually go to all my classes for a whole week, to be a better version of myself than I was last quarter. Because in the end, it’s all about improvement… right…? Interestingly, this quarter has been different from the rest. It’s been more of a wake up call for me and my future that seems so unknown from where I’m at right now. And I feel like this phenomenon is going to keep on happening as I get older and my days in college get fewer. Hell, as my days in life get fewer. Anyways, this quarter has been a time in which I have been growing as an individual but also lessening, for a lack of a better word lol. I have been going to the gym more frequently (not that I went a lot the past quarters haha), I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection, and I’ve been more independent in the things that I do, which was one of my goals! So in terms of those things, I’ve seen my growth. On the flip side, as I thought more about who I am and what I am to do in the future, I’ve been going crazy, literally. Okay, probably not mentally gone or anything but it low key feels like it. I’ve been thinking TOO much about my life. I need to learn how to control my thoughts; not have my thoughts control me (ooh #bars). I’ve been thinking about everything and anything and I’m so lost and confused. I thought that I had grown these past quarters and had SOME kind of sense and grip on life, but this quarter has really shown me otherwise. (Writing my thoughts out now makes me seem like I’m being extra af HAHA). I think about my faith because I grew up in the church and what that means to me now. I’m more of an adult who can think for myself now. So, instead of being drilled that God is real and that my commitment to my faith should be a priority, I doubt my faith, which has been a big part of how I identify myself as. I think about my career and what I’m going to be doing to support my family financially. I think about my endeavors in things I’m interested in, that could possibly turn into passions and jobs even! I think about my identity as an Asian American in America, in which we have basically no representation. As an Asian American who grew up in a non-Asian American community for a part of my childhood, race is something that I can’t seem to look past in myself, and as much it sucks, in other people as well. This is something I think about because I am interested in film and acting, to name a couple. As you can tell by now, I think I think way too much. It has started to hinder me and my everyday life. I overthink about every little thing. Overthinking has made me change. I find myself to be more alone. Not lonely but alone. There’s a big difference. I’m an extrovert but I definitely have become a lot more introverted than I was, even a quarter ago. It’s definitely a new experience and I think it’s growing on me. I like being alone and I’m more okay with being alone. However, I’m also becoming more pessimistic, and I don’t know why. My outlook on life is more sad now. I feel like I am more sad for the majority of my days, and certain events or people can change that so I am happy. But before, I was generally happier and certain events or people would make me sad. One thing I’ve learned is that feelings are so fleeting, YET they are so powerful. I can’t seem to not let my emotions not control me for the most part…

I started writing in a journal soon after 2018 started but I haven’t written in it in a long time. It gets tedious because I want to go into depth like a blog but I don’t really do that because I write after my day is done so I’m tired. Anyways, I guess this was like an update about where I’m at again. Expressing all my thoughts into words is so hard because my thoughts are all jumbled up and I don’t know if I wrote everything I’ve been thinking… oh well. (I still don’t know who I’m talking to when I write because very few people read my blog. BUT I started this for myself so I feel like I’m writing to myself. It’s like when people write a letter to their future self and don’t read it until 10 years later or something. Maybe I should do that…).

I hope I can figure things out…

P.S. I’M GOING CRAZY!!!

P.S.S. haha jk…?

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Best Friends?

An update on my life: I am doing okay. I’ve just been taking classes and going to school and being more inspired to work on my artistic endeavors. The key word in the previous sentence is: inspired. Although inspiration is great, I need to act on my inspirations. I need to be more practical and start actually doing more things. I’ve made progress in certain areas in my life but I would say, for the most part, I need to work harder.

Girls and guys can be best friends. This statement brings up a lot of controversy and debate. Up until recently, I’ve believed that this statement was completely true. My reason? In high school, I had a girl best friend. We hung out almost every day and we shared in our pain and our struggles. Not only that, me and my best friend were together throughout every stage of our high school years. I felt that she could really understand me. We were very similar and could relate to each other in a number of ways. I cherished our relationship and valued our friendship. However, as we got to college, we naturally shifted away from each other and shared in each other’s company less frequently. I didn’t know what she was up to and vice versa. It happened so naturally. Naturally, I made friends coming to college and it was fun meeting people and experiencing new things. Now, we still talk from time to time and hang out but it’s not the same as it was in the past.

However, making more and more relationships in college has made me doubt my confidence in the statement that girls and guys can be best friends. As I started my second year as a collegian, I met a friend from a club. Let’s call her Emma. Emma and I had classes together so we started talking more. As we talked more, I found that we had a lot in common and that I could be comfortable with her. She began to be more involved in my life. And naturally, we became connected on an emotional level. I shared more personal things with her and she listened to me and gave me advice. I became really fond of her, as a friend. Things were going well in our friendship and I really valued her and appreciated her for the things that she sacrificed for me. However, as we continued to grow closer, she brought up the fact that she had doubts of our relationship. As any girl-guy relationship goes, there was a boundary that came with being close to the opposite sex. Being emotionally connected to the opposite sex is dangerous because it can lead to developing feelings. Because of this, Emma said we should set boundaries and be careful when we are together alone. I definitely agreed with what she said. We were mature about it and were wary of developing feelings. Personally, I didn’t have feelings towards Emma but I knew where she was coming from because it was a very likely situation that could happen. We were still close and still hung out. One day, we were talking casually about our class. After a period of silence, she said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to continue to hang out with me one on one. She had said that our relationship was unhealthy because we had created an emotional bond that was too strong, in her opinion. After hearing this, I sat there in shock. It was kind of out of nowhere. Although we had talked about our friendship before, I didn’t think it was this serious to her. Emma had never been in a romantic relationship before so she said that our emotional bond was, in her opinion, only to be for people who are in a romantic relationship. Not only that but she had personal reasons that she couldn’t tell me that made her believe that being close to me wasn’t a healthy decision. I didn’t understand her and thought she was taking drastic measures. Emma explained herself as best she could and was headstrong in her decision to talk to me less and hang out with me less. After that talk, I kept trying to talk to her and explain to her that she was being very extreme. She tried her best to have an open mind but she was someone who knew what she needed and knew herself enough to make this kind of decision. I was disheartened because I had really grown to appreciate and value her as a friend. She taught me a lot about myself and about life. I respected her. I kept trying to talk to her but she was very confident in her decision. We talked more seriously every time we met, with the sole purpose of talking about her decision. It wasn’t about how our day was or making jokes to each other anymore. We met up to talk face to face about us not hanging out one on one and being close anymore. It was a sad series of events. I was really discouraged and dispirited. The second to last time we talked, I broke through to her about how I felt and how abrupt it felt to me that she was making this decision. I told her that I didn’t want her to just be another friend that I only said hi to her when I saw her. I wanted her to be involved in my life and more than just acquaintances. I felt as if there was hope! I felt that we could go back to hanging out and helping each other in our journey’s in college and in life. She said she needed time to think about it and that she would let me know when she could meet up to talk. As I thought about what we talked about, I low key felt that she wasn’t going to change her mind because she was someone who was very realistic and headstrong. We met up the following week and talked. She had asked me some questions about what I said about me wanting her to be involved in my life. I explained myself and then she paused. She started to talk about how she didn’t change her mind. As she talked, I started thinking about how I’m not going to be as close as we were before. It really made me sad and got me thinking. I didn’t say anything for a long time after she finished talking. Ultimately, she said sorry and I also apologized for things that I felt like I did wrong and for hurting her. Even though we finished talking on good terms, it was so sad. I was sad. After we finished talking, we both had to go to the financial aid office at school. We walked there, side by side, in silence. We got in line and didn’t say a word to each other. The wait wasn’t too long but we waited for a good amount of time. All of a sudden she was next in line and a worker said, “next student in line!”. I looked up and she turned around and said, “Bye, Tim”. It made me realize that we really weren’t going to talk anymore like we used. As I also got called up, she was finished. She walked behind me and it felt like a scene from a movie. I noticed her walking by me but we didn’t say a word to each other. I finished talking to the financial aid office and left the building. She had only left a few minutes before me. As walked outside, I looked to my left and right, seeing if she was anywhere in sight. Unfortunately, she wasn’t. She had just disappeared. It was really like a movie…

After what happened, I started to doubt my relationships with people. I felt bitter towards her but more than that, I felt just sad. Pure sadness. I didn’t understand what happened and why it had to result in the way that it did. But, as I grow and mature as a person, these are the kinds of things that I need to learn to accept. It’s a hard pill to swallow but I have to. Even right now, I have not fully accepted that this happened and am sad about the whole situation. I felt as if she was someone that I could really pour out everything to. Yes, I have many friends that I can talk to about a multitude about things, but they’re either far away or they won’t care as much. Emma was someone who I could be fully comfortable and fully myself with out of my friends. And that’s really hard to come by. Not only that but she was someone I really respected, valued, and appreciated. Losing someone like Emma in a time in which I am experiencing growing pains and trying to be the best I can be is and will be very tough. I am not sure how to grow from this experience of losing a really good friend, practically. I just have to learn to swim by being thrown into the deep end of the pool. Hopefully, in this time, I will be able to redirect my pain to my endeavors and to the betterment of myself. I have to keep trying, no matter how many times I fail.

Thanks for everything, Emma. I appreciate you.

two-thousand eighteen

A new year, a new me… That’s what everyone is saying and what everyone says every year. I used to have new year resolutions but after a while, I started to learn that for most people, it never works out for the whole year. So this year, I don’t have new year resolutions, but I DO have an idea and a vision of what this coming year looks like for me. As I grow a year older, things become more evident, while even more things become uncertain. However, I plan to change. Change is something that people greatly fear. Leaving one’s comfort and adapting to new surroundings is often very scary. I recently saw a movie that said something like, “Comfort is the enemy of progress”. This movie really inspired me to go out of my way to be uncomfortable. And as silly as that may sound, I think it makes perfect sense. In order to grow and experience growth, something about your life has to change. Upon realizing that, and as the year came to a close just hours ago, it was a really good opportunity for me. As the year two-thousand eighteen starts, it is more evident in my life, that I need to grow. I WANT to grow. I want to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. I want to be the “best” in every meaning that that word implies. And the first step in achieving this goal was realizing that I NEED change in my life. Comfort crept up in my life and will continue to nudge itself into my daily activities and routines. So, this year is going to be a year of perseverance, of diligence, and of hard work. I will push myself to do things that are uncomfortable, things that will help me grow, no matter how hard things get. It’s sad to say that throughout my whole life, I have not given 100% in anything that I did. This year I really want to test my potential and see what I can achieve if I put my mind to something and give my 100% effort. As 2017 ends, I will not forget the pains and hardships I faced this past year. I will use it to propel myself into 2018 and achieve things that I am proud of. This point in my life is crucial to who I am as a person in the future. The actions and decisions I make this year and onward will mold the person I am for the rest of my life. Although I am subject to change in the future as well, I feel like these years as a collegian are more significant in finding out who I am and my place in the world. With that being said, wish me luck and happy new years!

Hobbies? Or Passions?

I started my second year of college recently, and I haven’t really been going to class… I know it’s bad and it’s only the second week… I sleep really late and I wake up past my class time. As I have even more free time on my hands because of the fact that I don’t go to class, I feel a lot of things. I feel bored, I feel hungry, I feel like I’m missing out on life because I didn’t go to class. All these things fuel my energy and thoughts into pondering about what I can be doing instead of just wasting time on my technological devices and rotting my brain on what OTHER people are doing. I started photography, cinematography, and music production over the past summer. The purpose in starting these different hobbies were to see if I found enough interest in these things to call it a passion. Throughout my life, I’ve struggled with whether the various activities I partook in were just hobbies or something more. As I have a more mature perspective on the activities I partake in, I am trying to stick with things that start out as my hobby, through the bad times. Supposedly, it takes 10,000 hours to become a master in something. I believe in that statement because I feel like, no matter how much talent one has for anything, hard work will triumph in the end. The reason for my pursuits in these three different hobbies is because they interest me enough to start doing it to see if I like it or not. My first year in college was a year for playing around and messing around to see how college is like and get adjusted to it. However, as I grow a year older I begin to be more active in my thoughts and be more proactive in things that I wish to accomplish. Although the improvement is small, it’s better than me doing nothing. Starting these three hobbies were pretty easy for me. The problem that I had throughout my life was sticking with the hobbies that I do pick up. Even now, I find myself not really working on the hobbies. I worked on photography the most, then film, then music. It’s pretty ironic that a broke college student would start multiple expensive hobbies. There are definitely limitations that I have as someone being broke. However, a lot of times I just tell myself excuses to not work on these hobbies. I don’t find enough interest in subjects at school to major in. Because of that, I turn to other things that my school doesn’t have majors in. I feel like I’ve never really had so much interest in one specific thing in my life that I am kind of losing hope that I do have a passion. Or maybe it’s just because I don’t stick through with it for long enough. Once I find my passion, I feel like I would go through with that thing no matter how hard it gets because I’ll love doing it so much that it won’t matter… right…? Thankfully, I have roommates to keep me accountable with these new, expensive hobbies of mine because they also dabble in photography, film, and music. But even so, I feel like they’re in almost the same position as me. Also, my interest in these things have to come from inside my inmost being. I can’t fake interest in things. I need to find motivation and inspiration from other things for MYSELF. So hopefully, throughout my second year, I’ll be able to say that I grew and became better at photography, cinematography, and music production. Wish me luck!

The Future…?

Everyone is just trying to do their own thing. Create their own happiness… do things and find things that make them happy… what do I find happiness in…? I wish I could answer that question in terms of my academics and my career… as I see people around me, struggling, I say to myself, “that’s just what life is… isn’t it?” The moments of our pain and struggle define who we are…? But pain is lifelong… we have to endure pain until we die. So everyone is going through some kind of pain and struggle… but at the same time… everyone is trying to cover it up as if they aren’t in pain. Does that make people feel better? Life was much simpler when I was a kid. I am still am, very much a kid. An immature, naive person who doesn’t know about paying my own taxes, maintaining a job for more than a month, or paying for my own car insurance. As I continue on my path in life, I always come across crossroads. The choice I have to make is not between good or evil or right or wrong; the roads that I look upon when considering my future are numerous, unending roads that make me more confused as I continue to think. Relationships, jobs, career choice, passions, hobbies, and religion. These are the things that I struggle with every day, if not, every week. I’m sure mostly everyone worries about these things too. I know this, yet, I feel like no one understands me and no one is in the same boat as I’m in. The continuous journey of life and the destination of where life gets you is an exciting mission to the unknown. However, the journey that we are called to enjoy brings many pains. Pain is good… right? Pain makes you grow as a person, whether it’s mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Everyone is just trying to acquire and maintain true happiness. Since people are so different based on their genetics AND the environment they grew up in, there are many different meanings to happiness. Some people’s happiness causes other’s misfortunes. This paradoxical situation is the circumstance of this world. As fortunate I am to not concern myself with the struggles of those less fortunate than me, this world is very imperfect and very far from just. I want to change the world… I want to do something great with my life. I dread living a “normal” life. Until I figure out what to do in order to change the world, I am working on hobbies that may turn into passions. Every day is an exciting new day, filled with opportunities. It’s just how I make of each day that I am granted in this world. Anyways… wish me luck!

Break Ups?

Before I start talking about what it is I’m going to talk about, there is some information you guys need to know. I broke up with my girlfriend and it was my fault.

So, this past Sunday, I had a chance to talk to my girlfriend about our relationship and its past and future. It was a bitter sweet feeling because I had missed her so much but we weren’t dating anymore. Before talking to her, I had asked some people to help me on what I should do. There were mixed responses, some said continue to fight for her and get her back while others said, it’s best if you parted ways. One of the people that I talked to about my relationship was my dad. My dad and I are pretty close but I was surprised to have told him about my girlfriend. One day, he was driving me to school and we started about how this past quarter went for me, in academics. I told him it didn’t go well because I was struggling with a lot of things. As I told him things besides my relationship with my girlfriend, he told me his thoughts on them. As we continued to talk, I found myself talking about my girlfriend. I didn’t expect to talk about her but it just came out. He wanted to know details so I gave him as much as I could without too much. When I finished talking, he didn’t speak for a few minutes. I was anxious as to what he was going to say. I always held my father’s word very highly because of his wisdom. After asking a few questions, he said something very shocking to me. He said he thought I shouldn’t be with her anymore. I was so disappointed, mad, and frustrated. It’s like one of those things where you know someone’s right but you don’t want to believe it because it’s THE last thing you want to hear at the time. I fought with him and yelled in denial of the truth. After going back home, I thought about it until I slept. The next morning, I went to see her, and told her what my dad told me and what I thought about it. Although my dad told me what to do, my mind was filled with doubt once again as soon as my eyes met her eyes. Her face was so familiar but at the same time, there was this eerie unfamiliarity about her. As we talked about our thoughts and feelings of our relationship, we were interrupted by the public because we didn’t choose a very smart place to have a deep talk. The reason we couldn’t talk was because we were with our mutual friends. This caused an awkward atmosphere between the two of us as we hung out. However, we naturally started acting normally as we hung out with our friends. The only difference was that we caught ourselves and said, out loud, if we should be acting like we’re dating again. Obviously, it wasn’t the best thing to do but if felt so good and refreshing. As we were with our friends, I couldn’t help but notice the differences about her. She was more calm, more confident about herself. She was also more independent which threw me off guard but I was proud of her. I felt a certain happiness for her. As the day drew to a close, I dropped her off home and talked with her outside her house. We still didn’t know what to do with our relationship. However, the weird thing was that we decided to meet the following day. I fell asleep and woke up, excited to meet with her. I went to her house and she was sleeping so I gently woke her up, like I used to do. Being at her house brought back so many good memories that brought me to tears. We talked casually and seriously on and off. One moment we would be talking about how we were when we weren’t talking, and then the next moment, we would be getting emotional about the uncertainty of the future of our relationship. It felt good to be in her arms again, to hear her laugh, to see her smile, and to smell her scent. Everything felt so good but the uncertainty of the future kept us fearful. We still didn’t know what to do after a day just to ourselves, like old times. I was so happy to be with her and no one else but her. I still don’t know what to do about us, even as I write this blog. However, I just know that I want her to be happy. I hope we can be happy with each other whatever happens in the outcome. I love you, Clara.

I’m lost

I recently talked with potentially, one of my closest friends that I’ve met in college. I talked with this person about a multitude of things from happiness to spirituality to school. I felt as if this person really cared for me. During our conversation, I began to question a lot of things going on in my life. I realized that I have no community. Ever since I was young, I always moved to different cities and schools. I was always the “new kid” in school. Over the years, I got used to making friends and eating alone. I was the one who always had to introduce myself to other people and say hi. Even though I didn’t enjoy doing it all the time, I believe that quality has helped me to become who I am today.  I have so many friends and I know a lot of people, but most of these people I haven’t talked to in a very long time. If I met them randomly in public, it would be awkward. I don’t and never really had a group of friends that I would hang out with all the time. It’s a blessing and a curse. I’m so confused right now and I don’t know what I am going to do with my girlfriend, school, and life. I’m going through a quarter life crisis!!! haha jk. But on a serious note, what I realized today, on the car ride back home was that everyone has problems. Whether it’s big or small, problems are problems. As humans, we are all trying to be as happy as we can be and find purpose and meaning with our lives. Like how’re we suppose to know if we’re living life right? What am I suppose to do with my life? Sigh. I need to find a community and the right group of people to surround myself with that I can really rely on. I need to be able to respect them. Anyways, I don’t really know what the point of this blog was, but just my thoughts!

P.S. Shoutout to Hidy! 🙂